Section 15 ½
New Agent Indoctrination Packet and Manifesto
Welcome, recruit! One of the few serious things I’ll tell you here is that some of these links will take you away from this website. They have been santized for your protection, but it’s your clicking, not mine!
Anyway, welcome! We’re glad that you decided to join Section 15 ½ in our struggle to make the Federation secure.
Oh, we have been informed that we do not have your Oath of Allegiance on file. It’s okay… this isn’t anything bad. It just means that should you divulge any of this information to unauthorized sources, you will have to:
<![if !supportLists]>a) <![endif]>Be killed
<![if !supportLists]>b) <![endif]>Recruit 50 new members into Section 15 ½ , or at least the person you reveal the information to.
<![if !supportLists]>c) <![endif]>Be tickled with feathers until you cry “Merci!”
<![if !supportLists]>d) <![endif]>Pull off a temporal dislocation to pre-authorize your source
You may choose whichever option suits you at that time. Okay?
A brief history of Section 15 ½.
There is a Vulcan Secret Service. No, that’s not a secret: it’s existence was revealed in a frelling episode of Star Trek, people! This secret service, though had another Secret Service within it. This mini cabal was comprised of Vulcans who thought it would be wonderful to be emotional once and a while. No, that’s not a secret, either: it was revealed in Enterprise, OK? Patience, grasshopper!
They were a little whacko, as was Sybok, but not all emotional Vulcans are completely nuts. Unfortunately, Vulcans who choose to develop emotions do so at the expense of their rational and logical nature. They don’t see it as unfortunate. I’m trying to narrate some history here, though, and not get into some pseudo-philosophic discussion. Which is hard when your rational and logical nature has been compromised.
This secret-secret-service found out that there exists within the United Federation of Planets another secret-secret organization. I’d tell you its’ name, but then they would have to kill you. They are not terribly disposed to allowing people slide by with being tickled or anything like that as an alternative. Trust me, you don’t want to know who they are, or anything else about anything in Star Trek.
Except that some of the secret-secret-service (Vulcan) tried to infiltrate this other secret-secret-service (Federation.) The problem with that was simply that the members of the Federation group usually have only their wits to rely on. As cleverly alluded to in the non-psuedo-philosophic discussion just two paragraphs ago, this poor band of amused pointy-eared spies don’t have all their logical faculties. They only have about half their wits about them.
When they were spurned by this other great group of guys, the Vulcan half-wits decided that they simply had to take over the universe. That way this other group of pikers would just have to report to them.
Again unfortunately, they do not have the usual arsenal of ray-guns, power beams, super-destruct-o-matic doomsday machines, or any of that. We, er, they are also quite peaceable creatures of love and logic. And some absurdist sense of humor. Anyone can blow up the universe. It takes real genius to make it smile. So, our usual weaponry consists of whatever fun things we can find.
<![if !supportLists]>a) <![endif]>Rubber chickens
<![if !supportLists]>b) <![endif]>Spam
<![if !supportLists]>c) <![endif]>Feathers
<![if !supportLists]>d) <![endif]>REALLY bad puns – the kind that make you think about maiming the poster
<![if !supportLists]>e) <![endif]>Corrupting the sci-fi universe with all sorts of humor, especially cross-genre corruption
<![if !supportLists]>f) <![endif]>Friendly, well intentioned and humorous subversions which make people laugh
<![if !supportLists]>g) <![endif]>Fishes (especially preferential to mutated varieties which look especially funny and taste real good.)
Actually we stole fishes away from another group, but more about that in just a minute.
So this group of people who are just coincidentally one plomeek cube short of synthesizing some tasty broth proudly halved that other groups’ title, and became…..
Section 15 ½
The most feared – well, laughed at – group in the Galaxy.
Where Section 15 ½ agents operate:
We would tell you the whole list, but that would compromise our operations.
Oh, okay, we give up.
Currently Section 15 ½ s extensive operations exist at Ex-Isle, a Bulletin Board System of wonderful sci-fi enthusiasts. You should really go there and check them out. In fact, you should become a member. In fact, at the moment it’s almost the only way to join it. It has its’ own history which predates Section 15 ½ , and was originally mainly fans of another great sci-fi show. They wonderfully embrace a philosophy strongly resembling IDIC*, though, so they even welcome Trekkies!
As Section 15 ½ s membership extends throughout the virtual galaxy, we certainly will shamelessly plug those other locations, also.
We also like to embrace the philosophy of IDIC*. As such, we don’t even require that you are a Vulcan or surgically alter your ears to become one. Wasn’t that nice of us?
All we ask is that you try to embrace all other human / Vulcan / Vedran / Nietschean / Motie / bipedal / omnipedal sentient beings as the wonderful people he / she / it / they are. Care about them. And that you try once in awhile to make people smile.
That’s pretty much what Section 15 ½ is and does. We do maintain membership lists, a tedious and time-consuming task. Not at this particular moment, since there is only one. But there does not have to be only one. I’d love you to join us, well, me. If you are a member of any other factions, you may still join us. What they do to you, that’s their problem. And yours.
Section 15 ½ members are free agents. You act independently for the good of the universe. We don’t really have meetings, support groups, 12 step programs, or anything other than fellowship with each other. (Though as a member in good standing, you may wish to come to the aid of someone in, say, a trout war.) It’s not so much that we are a faction as a bunch of silly anarchists who band together for mutual silliness.
We are currently attempting to open diplomatic relations with the Purple Pouncy Despotism. (Actually, we’re trying to shamelessly advocate our cause along side certain well known PNBs on Ex-Isle. See how devious we can get?)
You can also secretly declare your allegiance. We’ll only tell our bellman, boots, barrister, broker, billiard-maker, banker, beaver, baker, butcher, and membership list. Not anyone else. Honest!
Are you ready to join us?
If not, please smack yourself into senseless amnesia with the closest twelve eyed trout. We’d hate to have to tickle you or anything like that. Unless you’re willing.
If you’d like more information, or to join Section 15 ½…
Send a Personal Message on ExIsle (requires registration) to our Secret-Secret Chairman of the Bored, LaughingVulcan.
You may wish to email the chairman. Well, fine. But you half to decipher the following puzzle to prove that you’re at least a half-wit:
dre_exisler hat laughingvulcan doot borg
Now, should you take the thing you wear on your head and change it into an @ sign, and should drop an “o” from doot, and should you remove a bee from the Borg, and then squish it all together…. You’ve either got my email address or a plain mess.
See, I hate doing that, but spam-bots are no-wits. And I hate spam. Except to eat. And as a Monty Python allusion.
*IDIC: An anagram for Infinite Diversity in Infinte Combinations. First referred to in the Star Trek: The Original Series episode In Truth is There No Beauty?
**No, there wasn’t any two asterisked thing above. But I need to tell you for legal purposes that the Star Trek franchise is owned by Paramount Pictures, Inc. This is a fan endeavor, not for profit nor sale. No Vulcans were harmed in the making of this website. Not permanently. I’d rather reserve any rights I’ve got remaining, and I will plead the fifth amendment. Or commandment – please don’t kill or sue me. Nor shalt thou steal without asking, if you’re going to be nice.